Cultivate Self -pity can help you face difficulties better of life.
If a friend faces a great challenge or feels defeated, usually our first instinct is to offer you words of comfort and understanding. But it is often not so easy to do for ourselves.
We can be our hardest critics. Practicing a bit of self -pity, however, helps a lot. Research shows that when people face stressful challenges or situations, who show more self -pity are more resilient.
“We can say ‘I have made a mistake’, instead of ‘I am a mistake,” said Kristin Neff, an associated professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas in Austin, who has studied self -pity for more than two decades. “It is a healthier alternative to self -esteem, because it is not about judging you positively, but about being useful and kind with yourself.”
What is self -pity?
Self -pity is the process of expressing support, warmth and understanding Towards yourself in difficult times, and to recognize that you are not alone in your imperfections.
It arises from full attention, which implies being centered at the present time without judging. Autocompositions can identify when they feel defeated or insufficient, but avoid getting lost in those feelings to be able to respond to themselves with kindness instead of rumiar, said Neff.
Being kind to yourself does not mean organizing a party to gloat in discomfort. Our suffering is not unique: defects and failures are part of what makes us human. And although we all suffer in different ways, knowing that suffering is universal can help avoid feelings of shame or isolation.
What are the myths about self -pity?
A common myth is that self -pity will undermine the motivation to improve yourself or your circumstances. But research suggests that support, mood and constructive criticism are more effective motivators than negative feedback, Neff added.
Another myth is that self -pity is self -indulgent. But in reality, said Neff, it has been shown that it reduces exhaustion and, therefore, allows us to better take care of others. On the other hand, self -indulgence implies behaving in a way that, ultimately, is harmful, both for oneself and others.
Finally, self -pity is sometimes confused with self -care, but it is not just to relieve, said Steven Hayes, a clinical psychologist and creator of acceptance and commitment therapy, which emphasizes the types of useful skills to develop self -pity, such as living the moment and focusing on values instead of the expectations imposed.
Self -pity “is the power to be yourself, to feel what you feel, fully and without the need to defend yourself,” he said.
How do self -pity develops?
There are several ways to practice self -pity:
I gave kind things yourself every day
Think about how you show yourself throughout the day, said Neff. Can you support and dare? Or are you your worst enemy?
“The vast majority of people are much more compassionate with others than themselves,” said Neff.
If you are prone to punish you, he adds, try to speak to yourself, as you would do with a good friend in the same situation.
Take a break for compassion
Tara Brach, psychologist and author of Radical acceptancesuggests the Rain method (for its acronym in English): recognize, allow, investigate and nourish.
The idea is to recognize the emotions you have and allow them to exist without immediately separating them.
Next, investigate how your body is affected by emotions: do you have an empty stomach or tight chest? Take your time to also explore the beliefs associated with those emotions: do you assume something bad with you?
“That is probably the greatest suffering that people have: ‘I’m not worthy of being loved, I’m going short, I should do more,” Brach said.
Then, nourish. What do you need most right now that you suffer? Comprehension? Be forgiven? A friendly message?
Put a hand on your heart or use another reassuring touch that makes you feel affection.
Send a friendly message to your interior: “Nothing happens to feel this” or “You are doing your best.”
These little gestures can make a big difference.
A small study with 135 university students discovered that those who regularly dedicated 20 seconds a day to place their hands on the heart and belly while they had friendly thoughts such as “how can I be a friend for myself at this time?”, They said they felt less stressed and, after one month, they felt more compassion for themselves.
Remove it
When you give yourself compassion, you become more capable of receiving and offering compassionate care to others, said Hayes.
“Shortales that are not alone,” he added. “We need people who are more self -appliance and compassionate with others ”.
Self -pity may involve establishing healthy limits in a relationship or even directing your compassion outward, for example, offering you as a volunteer for an important cause or attending a protest to try to cause a positive political or social change.
In this sense, self -pity can be fierce and strong: think about the energy of a “mother Osa.”
“Part of taking care of ourselves means also trying to end the social level,” said Neff. “It’s somewhat bigger than our individual being.”