Have you ever felt that knot in the stomach When he knows that he should reject something, but he ends up accepting against his will?
If so, it is not alone. The inability to say “no” is a Psychological phenomenon more common than you imagine and can have serious consequences for your well -being.
According to psychologist Angie Mendoza, there are several factors that explain why many people have difficulty establishing clear limits and saying “no.”
“There are several reasons, but within the most common is a belief that he would be a bad person if one says no, that is, the fear of rejection,” explains Mendoza. It is also thought that, always saying yes or accepting, there will be more acceptance on the side of the other.
This behavior is deeply rooted in parenting patterns and social expectations that make us believe that prioritizing our needs is a selfish act.
In a Article published by the BBC It is mentioned that, generally, It is thought that, saying “no”, we are selfish or even bad people, since we are not educated to refuse or to do it in a friendly and assertive way, but quite the opposite: “They educate us to please others without taking into account our own emotions.” In addition, we are taught to prioritize what others want or demand, and not to value what one feels.
According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychologypeople who have difficulty saying “no” usually show higher levels of social anxiety and a greater need for external approval. However, saying “no” when necessary not only improves your mental and physical health, but also strengthens personal relationships by establishing more honest and equitable dynamics.
Consequences of not knowing how to say “no”
The constant postponement of own needs has a high price. Mendoza warns about the consequences:
“There are all kinds, but we can mention as some very frequent stress and anxiety, because it has to put the needs of another before yours.”
Among the most serious consequences are:
- Emotional and physical exhaustion
- Resentment towards others
- Loss of personal identity
- Psychosomatic problems
“Many times the ability to identify what their own needs are, because it is so accustomed to neglecting that one ends up abandoning,” says Mendoza.
The American Psychology Association (APA) confirms this perspective, indicating that lack of assertiveness can significantly contribute to the development of long -term anxiety and depression disorders.
Empathy vs. COMPLACENCE: finding balance
On many occasions, empathy is also confused with complacency, and that is why it costs us to say “no.”
However, Mendoza mentions The fundamental key to distinguish between the two: “Empathy is a characteristic that helps us understand the situations why the other could be happening and, therefore, allows us to help, understand, etc.. But we do not necessarily have to leave our unsatisfied needs to be empathic.”
Susan Newman, social psychologist and author of the book The Book of No: 365 Ways To Say It and Mean-And Stop People-Pleassing Forever (The book of no: 365 ways to say no and stop please people forever), coincides with this perspective and adds: True empathy requires having enough emotional energy, something impossible if we are constantly exhausted for not knowing how to say no.
Practical strategies to strengthen your assertiveness
If you identify with this difficulty, the good news is that assertiveness can develop with practice. Mendoza recommends:
- Progressive exposure: “What is done is to say no, by the way, to something simple, to something that I do not consider to have a great impact if I say no,” the specialist suggests.
- Strengthen self -esteem: “Another is to strengthen self -esteem, know yourself, start exploring what things are my identity.”
- Test in advance: Prepare answers for situations in which you commonly give in the anxiety of the moment.
- Use the “No” as a self -care tool: Understanding that establishing limits is not a selfish act, but of self -respect.
For more severe cases, where anxiety is paralyzing, Mendoza recommends seeking professional help, “already when we have a more serious situation where anxiety or anxiety crisis already generates me, so it is important to go to a professional to understand what the root is.”
