Some situations, commitments, people, and even oneself could exceed personal limits, cause emotional exhaustion, be disrespectful, and put personal needs in the background.
Psychologists say that it is important to set limits with family, friends, partners, co-workers or in any environment where you feel that your own needs are being ignored or surpassed.
“Setting limits is communicating in a clear and respectful way what we are willing to accept and what we are not willing to accept in our daily lives. Limits are a form of self-care, because they protect our emotional, physical and mental well-being. From psychology, it is said that it is not about pushing people away, but rather about building healthier and more balanced relationships,” says psychologist Nancy Gálvez, from Psicosalud NG.
For psychologist Juan Chivalán, when talking about the concept of setting limits, we talk about a “symbolic law.”
“We are not talking about punishment or control, but about the cultural norms that serve to order human beings and allow them to live together and relate to others,” he explains.
Experts point out that there may be different types of boundaries that need to be set, for example:
- Physical: related to personal space and physical contact.
- Emotional: they protect our feelings and our emotional stability.
- Time: they help manage time and avoid overload.
- Work: they allow you to separate work responsibilities from your personal life.
- Digital: regulate constant access through social networks, calls or messages.
“I would summarize it in two types of limits: the intrapersonal limit, which refers to the interior, to what happens within the human being. In this type of limit, the person learns to differentiate between yes and no, between what is allowed and what is prohibited, the good and the bad. From here we talk about the other type of limit: the interpersonal limit, which is the scope of the relationship with others in the different environments where the human being develops,” explains Chivalán.
To set these limits, it is important to start saying “no”, because when a person can say “no” assertively, they are recognizing that their needs are also important.
“When it comes to setting limits, it is a brake, and people do not like the brake. Whoever sets that brake needs courage and firmness to say ‘no’. When we set a limit we are saying that not everything is possible; there is law, there are rules and there are limits. When we recognize the limits, we become more human,” says the psychologist.
Gálvez agrees and adds that “a healthy ‘no’ is not aggression or a sign of selfishness; it is a tool that allows us to protect our well-being and act in accordance with our priorities.”
However, even if it is only two letters, saying “no” is often difficult due to parenting patterns, fear of rejection, conflict, abandonment, or the belief that prioritizing yourself is selfish.
“For example, if a person had a permissive upbringing, when they are an adult they will not be able to continue living according to that type of upbringing, because simply not everything is allowed. By frustrating that demand, guilt can be generated. That is why the difficulty of setting limits is related to the type of upbringing that the human being has had,” explains Chivalán.
He adds that fear is a way that the person uses to protect themselves and prioritizes the needs of others because they fear losing a place.
“When there is fear of abandonment, the person may avoid setting limits for fear that others will distance themselves or stop loving them. When there is fear of conflict, they may prefer to remain silent to avoid arguments or tensions. The problem is that avoiding an external conflict often generates an internal conflict, because the person ends up betraying their own needs,” complements Gálvez.
But, according to the psychologist, when a person tends to be complacent with everything and everyone, they will experience emotional exhaustion, frustration, resentment, and even loss of identity, because they become accustomed to constantly attending to the needs of others while leaving their own in the background.
“Many times these people seem strong or available to everyone, but internally they may feel empty, tired or undervalued,” he says.
For his part, Chivalán uses the umbrella during the rain to exemplify the need to set limits.
“If it is raining and the person goes out without an umbrella, they get wet. The limit there was to carry an umbrella or look for a place to shelter from the rain, but they did not do it. With this example we realize that not setting limits can have consequences and hurt ourselves,” he explains.
Warning signs
Physical or emotional signs may appear that warn that something or someone is crossing a limit. Gálvez and Chivalán have identified some frequent warnings:
- Feel constant discomfort or tension.
- Feeling of invasion of physical or psychological space.
- Experiencing anger, frustration or resentment.
- Feeling forced to do things you really don’t want to.
- Frequent emotional exhaustion.
- Doubt your own judgment.
- Anxiety before or after interacting with certain people.
- Feeling that one’s opinions or needs are not taken into account.
- Feeling of unjustified guilt.
- Need to overexplain a situation.
“Our body and our emotions usually tell us when something is not healthy,” says Gálvez.
How to start setting limits?
According to psychologists, setting limits is a skill that is learned and strengthened with practice, but it is necessary to start.
“First, we must accept the very nature of the human being. The nature of the human being is that it needs a symbolic law. This is explained in phrases like: you cannot have everything, you cannot achieve everything, we cannot do everything. Every place where we work or live needs order and organization to be able to coexist,” says Chivalán.
To do this, they recommend some actions and attitudes:
- Identify which situations generate discomfort.
- Recognize that our needs are as important as those of others.
- Start with small, concrete limits.
- Use clear, respectful and firm communication.
- Remember that it is not necessary to justify yourself excessively.
- Practice assertiveness gradually.
“You don’t need to change from one day to the next or start with big decisions; limits are built step by step. Every time a person expresses what they need, protects their well-being and chooses themselves, they are strengthening their mental health and building healthier relationships. Setting limits does not alienate the right people, it teaches them how we want to be treated,” concludes Gálvez.
Say “no” without guilt
The feeling of guilt will be inevitable in the process of learning to set limits; However, psychologists assure that, over time, this feeling will decrease and will be replaced by a greater feeling of tranquility and self-esteem.
“The first thing is to understand that feeling guilty does not mean that we did something wrong. Many times guilt appears because we are doing something different from what we were used to. It can help to ask ourselves: Am I harming someone or am I simply taking care of myself? Generally we discover that we are exercising a healthy right,” suggests Gálvez.
But, according to Chivalán, guilt is not always bad, because guilt is felt when the demands of the other have been renounced. “That’s why it’s good that there is guilt: it’s a sign that a limit was set.”
“You have to stop being a victim, because when there is guilt, there is self-punishment and that paralyzes. Instead of guilt, you have to move through responsibility and ask yourself the question: What do I have to do with this? If I have to do with something, you have to take responsibility. And if I have nothing to do with it, why should I take on something that is not mine?”, he concludes.